Reclaiming myself

This week at work was a series of company meetings which included much food on Wednesday night, plus a lunch on Friday. It never fails that Friday is a pizza day. It never fails that I eat more than I should. I am not going to beat myself up for it. It happens. I can at least take consolation in the fact that I got out and walked a lot this week.

I’m not the most active person, but I’m working on that. I have managed to pick up between 6000 and 8000 steps a day up to yesterday. Today, I’m not getting many steps, but I’m also not interested in continuing to hurt my feet. I’m still having issues with the pain I’ve had for the past 11 months. It’s ridiculous that I haven’t found a resolution to this issue and it’s been almost a year. I’ve seen two specialists, paid a lot of money for things I don’t use (“night splints”, boots) and shots that hurt like blue blazes but that have had minimal good. The feet are better, I won’t lie, but they’re not 100% and after going out for walks (.75 mile, 18 minutes or so), I can come in and my feet feel like they’ve swollen up three times their normal size. I have been dealing with it because I’m not willing to go to the doctor again to hear “there’s nothing wrong with you. It will go away on its own.”  I’m just sucking up the pain and moving on through it. I keep hoping eventually it will go away.

I’m finished with school for the semester, so I’m going to work on improving my fitness. I have a couple of really supportive friends who want to help me. It’s really nice to have people who are interested, who ask you every so often, “how’s it  going?” It’s nice to have someone who cares about what you’re doing.

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As humans, we want recognition for what we have done or are doing. It’s a way of saying, “hey, I’m worth something.” It doesn’t have to be big.  Sometimes, the smallest word of encouragement is enough to keep you going and make you feel that you’re being successful. It’s a great feeling to have someone notice you and say, “Keep up the good work!” You don’t feel that it’s all in vain.

All my life, I’ve had weight issues. I’ve lived with a parent who constantly told me how “fat” I was, how she was going to have my clothes made special for me.  I’m desperate to NOT repeat those actions with my own children because I know firsthand how hurtful it is for your parent, the one you love unconditionally, who should love you unconditionally, to tell you things like that.

I usually resist posting my weight loss attempts on Facebook because I tell myself I “don’t want to be like Jane Doe or Sarah Homemaker”, the ones “who spend all their time in the gym.”  “I don’t want to to be boring.” I have read *many* status updates where Jane Doe or Sarah Homemaker talked about how they conquered climbing Mount Fuji and it annoyed me. Why was I annoyed with it?  Was it jealousy because I couldn’t go climb Mount Fuji? Was it irritation that they climbed it before me?

Thinking back on my attitude, maybe I should have been out there, patting them on the back and telling them how wonderful they are for doing it.  After all, aren’t I looking for the same thing? I want validation too. I want Jane Doe and Sarah Homemaker to tell ME, “Hey, M, you’re FABULOUS!  You are rocking the workouts!! ” I have my support group in place already-I have eight wonderful, true friends, who push me, tell me to get over myself and keep going. I’m not sure why I want MORE validation.  Do I not already value myself?

I have to think long and hard WHY I ‘m working on weight loss.  It’s for my health, ultimately, I know, but there’s that nasty little voice inside my head that says “you’re not worth anything unless you’re super small.”  I have to beat that voice into submission and say “GO AWAY.”

So, for the people who constantly post their status updates as “I am a gym rat.” “I ran two marathons today.” I say, “GOOD JOB!! I applaud you!”  My cousin told me that I needed to post my updates, because that way people could follow my progress.  I tried it, didn’t get the “atta girl” that I thought I should get and frankly, had a temper tantrum of sorts. Well, guess what?  I’ve built a bridge and have gotten over it.

I am important to me. My husband and children notice that I’ve lost.  Ultimately, THEY are the ones who will appreciate that I’ve lost weight, because I’ll be out there running ahead of them when we go out as a family to do things.

I have goals.  My number one goal is to stop trying to have my outside family appreciate me or notice me.  I’m not in contact with my mother anymore so shouldn’t need to have validation from her that I’m successful.  I am successful in my own way.  So I don’t spend hours upon hours in the gym. I’m making baby steps and that should be more important to me than having someone pat me on the back and say “I’m glad you’re working on your weight issues.”


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First Day of 2013

It’s the first day of 2013 and I am happy to say that I have been successful in ONE THING. I have successfully tracked *all* my food that I’ve eaten today.  Hooray!!  Score one for me! I need to document my eating all the time. I’ve heard people say “I know what I can eat and what I can’t eat, so I don’t need to track.” Well, congratulations! You’re a MUCH better person than me! In order for me to be successful, I have to document.  It’s training to see what I’m actually putting into my mouth. I’m also documenting my activities.  I posted on Facebook yesterday that I was bummed out that 20 minutes of vacuuming was not very many activity points.  The point is, I moved my butt!

Fitbit says I’ve only walked about 25,040 steps this week.  Again, HOORAY!! It’s tiny. There are people on my friends list (whom I would hide but I’m not going to–I just deliberately ignore them) who have hundreds of thousands of steps. I don’t get that many steps in a week. It was bad enough that I deliberately changed my 10,000 step/daily goal to less. I sit all day long and don’t move.  Last week when my office was practically empty due to holidays, I got the most activity I’ve gotten in a really long time.  As I’m also not out riding my bike, my steps are also lower. That will change once it warms up. Until then, I’ll have to figure out what to do to get my activity level up.

I was invited to a push up competition for the month of January. I haven’t clicked on the ‘accept’ yet. There’s no need for my fitness fails to be out in the public where I can be judged.  I’m rather a solitary person. I don’t like to publicize my failures.  That’s why I asked a small group of friends to help me.  I don’t post my status updates on Facebook. They get once a week updates and that’s enough.  Of course, if I get a “get your ass moving” text, I don’t take offense either.

I read the Fitness Magazine article about Allison Sweeney. She said she had to put aside her feelings of having to be “perfect”.  I’m going to look at taking her advice. It’s not hurting anyone but me. I’m only in competition with myself.


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(Celery) Stalking the New Year’s Resolution

With New Year’s around the corner, I’m stalking a few new resolutions.

I’ve said that I was going to be a healthier, happier person by the end of this year.  I am making it happen.  I’m not stressing *as much* as I used to. Of course, some of that is still present…I get annoyed easily by people who are obsessed with things I am not. I just have to move along and work through it.

Most people post resolutions all over Facebook at this time of year.  I have seen several resolutions about “doing a million push ups”, “working out more than I already do this year”, etc. I shake my head and roll my eyes when I read those statuses. I am totally NOT like that. I promised a couple of dear friends that I absolutely would NOT bore people to death with my weight loss travails, so I plan on  keeping my word. I personally get bored with “I’m working out six times today. I’m working out double that tomorrow.”  I hope I’m not boring people when I mention that I’m out riding my bike (after all, this IS Texas and we have great cycling weather about 360 days of the year!).

My resolution is to make Weight Watchers work for me. I plan on riding my bike more, but only on MY terms, no one else’s. If you tell me I MUST ride, be prepared to see me plant my butt. I resolve to be less stressed, happier (that WILL happen) and in control of that which I can control, which isn’t a whole heck of a lot.  I can control me, myself, and I.  I don’t always do a good job at that, I but I try.


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Another thought…

I was reminded by my Beachbody coach that it’s a marathon, not a sprint. One step at a time. Definitely something to keep in mind.

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Very true, indeed

A good friend posted something on Facebook which had me laughing. It was the “World’s most handsome man” or whatever he’s called saying, “I don’t always go to the gym, but when I do, I post it on Facebook.” I had to completely and totally laugh hysterically at that because I KNOW people like that! They are so completely obsessed by exercise that it’s all they post on their statuses. They appear to spend hours and hours and hours at the gym, working out. I never hear about their kids, nor do I hear about their jobs. It seems like they are in a constant state of denial and only post about working out because that is their only outlet. I promised a few close friends that I would not be that sort of person. If I want to tell you about my kids, I will. If I want you to know I’m working out, I’ll tell you OFF MY STATUS PAGE. I’m not giving people who spend too much time being busy bodies the chance to read my status and then question if I miss posting a day. If I don’t work out one day, that’s my choice, or should be, you know? I refuse to feel guilty about it either.

I am who I am. Presently, I’m a hundred pounds overweight and am working on losing weight *FOR ME.* It’s not for anyone else but me. Therefore, only my blogs (and the more private ones) will be the recipients of my trials of working out.

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Food Obsession

Why is it that we’re not obsessed with food until we begin a “diet”? Why do we just not care about anything until we decide that we’re going to watch our intake? How many little kids (Pageant kids don’t count–they’ve been ‘broken’ by society’s skewed image of what a girl should do at an early age!)
One of my friends pointed out that food tracking is a job inside a job. She’s right. Thank you, Chele! You’re 100% right about that!! It’s a lot of hard work. When I was actively following Weight Watchers, one of my former co-workers teased me a lot about being obsessed with food. I ate, breathed and slept food. I counted points somewhat religiously. I say somewhat because I ESTIMATED and didn’t add the points correctly. I was somewhat successful…and then I dropped out of WW because of other commitments–martial arts, family, etc.
I never went back to WW meetings. I was actively frustrated by only losing half pounds every week or gaining. I know it’s going to happen, but I got annoyed. I’d like to go back. I think it’s useful, but…I don’t like having to track every single slice of bread, every morsel. They had a saying in the meetings: “BLTs count as well.” A “BLT” is a Bite, a Lick and a Taste. When you’re cooking, do you find yourself BLT’ing? (I do.)

I would seriously like to blame “TOM”, my metabolism or something else for my failings at weight loss. Ultimately, though, the responsibility starts with me. I have to take responsibility for my obsessions. I need to make the journalling second nature so that I can move forward in my journey to be a better person. Once that’s done, I won’t panic as much. It takes 21 days to make a habit. I have to re-learn the habit of journalling so that I can just do it because.

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